Fire. Ice. Burn. Freeze.
I’m inspired to talk about pain in this iteration of soul searching. The spectrum is wide. At the base of its broad expanse is a form that requires a mild dose of a corrective medium. For example, the physical and consistent lingering headache, a gentle strumming, then often as an afterthought - drink more water, lie down for a bit, place fingers at the most tender spot of the temple, press slowly, once clockwise, then in reverse, take a pill. The kind that eases as my body relaxes and recedes from the grip of tension. That’s the least taxing kind.
Every night, the pain radiates from the ball of my left foot through my thigh, and it rages center-left of my spine while it rings in my ear. That’s nerve pain. It’s excruciating and mimics an electric shock; fire, ice, burn, freeze. It gives me no warning, so I cannot prepare. It often flutters for a few minutes when it starts; then, it intensifies with unmatched savagery. It’s debilitating. It is the kind that lingers through the night and interrupts my sleep. It is the kind for which there isn’t an easy remedy. Overcoming it requires assistance.
What shall I take? How much? Fear ravages my thoughts. Shall I? There isn’t a rhythm, so I can’t preempt it. It just happens. I can’t take a thing that could do anything about it for fear of what that thing might do.
The quest to intuit other pains in my life is ongoing. I’ve been able to quickly rid my soul of some pains, but others have lingered, and I’ve hoped to shed them, yet they persist. I fold them neatly into compartments and whisk them away to a depth in me where I’ve learned to feign they are non-existent until they die or I forget. The latter has always prevailed; I forget by choice until triggered again.
The magic often happens when I decide it can no longer hold me to ransom or crippling surrender. If I do, then it wins. I lose. I can’t lose. I won’t.
The light then visits my soul. The fear dissipates, and like an unfurling seedling, I make a breakthrough. I muster a renewed zeal to unearth glimmers of hope that I can turn into blazing glory. There isn’t an obstacle I cannot conquer. After all, they present to those equipped with just the right tools to overcome. No barriers are as significant or more onerous than my resolve. Every iota of my being is committed to removing them because I cannot be derailed.
The struggle is not as I find resting in stringing words or constructing suitable syntax; instead, it opens up at the risk of being misunderstood or penalized for my truth. My steadfast, unswerving faith is necessary for my well-being as all of these thoughts move through me. I cannot be discouraged by the fear of perceptions. These are my truths. They do not instigate rage or torment; instead, they beg for me to reflect and examine where for the next half of my life, I can recalibrate, readjust or reconcile to make good with my soul. To live a life in absolute oblivion and devoid of reflection is, in my book, a major misstep. The valuation and validity of my existence inspire a constant and critical need to reflect, reassess, and accordingly adjust.
I know I value the gift I have been blessed with, and caring for my life shows my gratitude. I shall live and laugh. I shall be, I shall do, I shall go, and I shall conquer.
